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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28397388">Severus Snape: The Becoming</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hfflanders/pseuds/Hfflanders'>Hfflanders</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:15:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,779</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28397388</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hfflanders/pseuds/Hfflanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The last year of the war wears Severus down to a shell of a human. After the war, he is put on trial and subsequent parole. When a trial witness turns neighbor, how will they change his life?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Severus Snape/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Traitor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Trauma trigger: dark lord meetings/abuse/ talk of torture/mild violence </p><p>Hey y'all ❤️ I don't own Harry Potter or Snape or anyone else in the Potter world, J.K. Rowling does. I own the original character within.<br/>
————————</p><p> </p><p>"Hello Severus, we weren't expecting you until later" the dark lord commented in his signature rasp as Severus walked into the darkened hall at Malfoy Manor. </p><p>"I managed to finish my duties early my lord" he answered coolly, glancing around at the faces of those determined to destroy the world as they all knew it </p><p>Those in the inner circle of the Death Eaters. The ones he needed to appease and persuade that he was doing the best job he could. Walking the line between keeping the students safe and proving to the dark lord that he was loyal to the cause. Truly, he was finished with the cause. It would be so easy for him to disappear. </p><p>But he couldn't disappoint Lily anymore. He had to do his own part to keep Harry safe. Even to the extent of losing his own life. He needed to prove that he could do the right thing. If anything, he needed to prove it to himself. </p><p>The snow began to fall outside the window, wind whipping back and forth on the empty grounds.</p><p>"A true allegiant" Voldemort assessed with what could only be called a celebratory wave, turning his face away to the table of death eaters. </p><p>Power corrupts totally especially those with shallow minds. Power gave delusions of grandeur that no weak minded fool could resist. That is why power was dangerous: the wise desperately shirked its weight and the fools were all too eager to seek and take it. </p><p>The hall doors banged open, the sound echoing off the walls. Lucius strut in with an unknown woman gripped to his side, her sharp face set in stone, copper gold hair wrapped tightly back in a high bun, fitted black dress sweeping the floor. </p><p>"I have a ministry official with me tonight my lord. As per your command" Lucius declared as he threw her to floor </p><p>She resisted the fall and stood, head held high. </p><p>"How wonderful. And what is your name, my dear" Voldemort oozed, already knowing but preferring to play with his food </p><p>"Head Director Unspeakable Lundgren"  she replied back, not a wobble to her voice </p><p>"And what are the charges against you, Miss Lundgren" Voldemort asked as he walked closer to her </p><p>"Head Director Unspeakable Lundgren. And I do not accept the charges therefore I see no reason to repeat them" she said factually, no hint of arrogance </p><p>"How funny. So proud of your position. Proud enough to speak to the most powerful wizard in all the world with such brazen equality?" Voldemort leaned in close to her face, staring deeply into her eyes, performing Legilimency </p><p>She refused to look away, staring right back into his eyes, jaw set and shoulders straightened. </p><p>"I could kill you right now for this insubordination" he whispered in a hollow voice devoid of any sentiment </p><p>"Then do it. Because you won't get anything from me" she snarled, looking no where else but his eyes</p><p>Most cowered under the dark lord's gaze but not her; she stood with spite and honor. If those could be bottled in potion form, they would be lethal. </p><p>This was a woman who knew the unknown, bravely diving into it. </p><p>Severus awaited the swift curse, but none came. Instead the dark lord laughed. Sadistic glee. He stroked her chin as he explained </p><p>"But why would I kill you, whenever I could give so many the chance to try and break you? Bella, go first. But leave her alive for the others" </p><p>Bellatrix happily jumped up, dragging the woman by her arm to the other room. They all listened, some in awkward horror, others in anticipation of their turn. Because many wanted power and purity but were unable to stomach how that actually came about. </p><p>By death and abuse. Those were the cowards. Neither stomach nor spine strong enough to handle war. </p><p>But no sound came: Bellatrix, Rudolfo, Lucius, and finally him. </p><p>"Severus. Finish her off. Dispose of the body. I have grown tired of this game. Bring me the information when you're done" Voldemort instructed him as he walked out of the hall into the living room where he would begin interrogating the members that arose suspicion with him at the last meeting. </p><p>Severus walked into the room, the woman fighting to stand from her place on the floor. Blood pouring out of her mouth, face bruised, nose broken, gripping her ribs as she tried not to show her wince. </p><p>He gave her credit. Many would have given information. Or screamed. Or played dead. But she refused to give in. He attempted to penetrate her mind, but even in her incapacitated state she held strong. Only visions of what had just happened remained present. Her Occlumency shields impressive and intact. </p><p>Who was she? </p><p>"Headmaster" she wheezed in a labored tone, leaning against the window ledge </p><p>"Yes. And you would be?" he pressed, staying in his spot, wand in his hand </p><p>"Why does it matter? I am simply another faceless and nameless murder. No one will know what happened to me. All the lies and propaganda. Smear campaigns. Why does it matter who we are? All that matters is how we die" she gasped, coughing up blood which she spit on the ground angrily </p><p>She wasn't wrong. No one would know and possibly no one would care. That was true for all of them. True for him as well. He could die with no one knowing the truth. But that was a choice he had made. And that he would have<br/>
to live with. </p><p>"It doesn't matter. You're right. Give me anything to tell them. Let down your occlumency shields for one moment" he lay down his wand, the weight of humanity heavy and solid in his chest </p><p>"Don't be a traitor to your Master. They sent you in to kill me so do it. I know what you've done Severus Snape. Don't pretend to be what you're not" she growled at him, straightening up as much as she could with what appeared to be several broken ribs </p><p>"It is up to me and me only to decide what a traitor is. And you don't get to name me either. Perhaps if you gave me some information, I could turn away after" he surmised, looking to the window </p><p>He lay down his wand, slowly walking over to her, working away at her Occlumency. He saw a boy, with the same copper hair and gigantic smile. She twirled him around in the air, hugging him closely, the sound of his giggles piercing the air. Ministry papers came into view, the information blurred. A dinner eaten by fireside. A bedtime book with the little boy. A paper came into view: decree for the extinction of all witches and wizards with less than fifty perfect magical blood. She refused to comply for magical testing, sending out the papers with an owl, and the next memory was of her arrest. </p><p>"That is all. Now do what you will. Only we get to define who we are, despite what everyone else sees" he told her staunchly, her eyes wide in fear. </p><p>She loved her son. Loved for her child. Wanted to see him grow and learn. Laughed with him. Fed him and clothed him. Played games with him. He, Severus Snape, would never betray the love of a mother again. He would never betray love in search of power or respect again. </p><p>Real love sought neither power nor the upper hand. He had perhaps learned that too late for some lives, but not this one. </p><p>Turning  to get his wand, he heard the window open. He didn't look back. </p><p>He was no traitor.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Charity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Flashback: Sixth Year- January 9 </p><p>The dungeon door squeaked open, Charity shuffling in softly. He glanced up at her, offering a small smile to his friend. They had a smooth and simple relationship, casual dinner chatter and a few nights a month spent discussing politics and recent news. Charity didn't make him feel like an outcast, she accepted him for who he was: thorns and all. She never pushed him for information. She didn't care about those things. </p><p>"Hello Severus, are you enjoying your birthday?" she asked cheekily, knowing that he never celebrated. </p><p>In fact he ignored it. His birthday was "celebrated" in hiding, his mother sneaking him meals, and not one ounce of joy. He grew thinking the world would be better off without him, and he still believed it. </p><p>"Yes, a raucous party as usual" he answered sarcastically, crushing lavender stems with his heavy blade </p><p>"You might not celebrate, but I will" she teased, sitting down a thick slice of Honeydukes double chocolate cake on the far end of his table </p><p>He allowed himself a smile. She brought him the same slice of cake every year. He didn't know what she saw in him, that she would think of him on her own accord. That she gave him grace and space. That she followed her own conscience and dug past his rocky exterior. </p><p>"Thank you Charity. You don't have to put yourself in ill favor with the other staff by being seen with me. I wouldn't be upset if you chose to ignore me" he told her, tying a small bundle of lavender and handing it over. </p><p>It was her favorite, she always had it in her classroom. </p><p>She inhaled deeply, smiling wide</p><p>"Since when have I ever cared about what anyone else has thought? </p><p>"You should start" he responded ominously, standing next to her, showing her the newest Daily Prophet with unidentified murders of supposed blood traitors </p><p>The ministry hadn't been taken over yet but it would be soon. The infiltration was underway. </p><p>"I'll take my chances" she said stubbornly, creasing her eyebrows </p><p>He drew in a deep breath. The death eaters would come for her at some point. Charity was a staunch and outspoken advocate for muggle and magical relations. She wrote several papers and articles for the integration of magical and muggle society. She wouldn't back down and he deeply understood and approved of that trait. But he also wanted to protect her, his colleague and friend. She never asked anything of him and he wanted her to be safe. </p><p>"I wish you wouldn't. Please hide. Before they come for you. I can help you get away..." he spoke quietly, his arm brushing against hers </p><p>Looking up at him, eyes wide, she asked cautiously </p><p>"Would you come with me?" </p><p>His heart lurched. He couldn't. Not that the thought hadn't crossed his mind to hide. He couldn't entertain the thought of anything more than a genial friendship with anyone. They were already closer than he thought a person should be. He allowed that out of self interest because he enjoyed her company as well. He realized he had been selfish. </p><p>"I have reasons to stay" he answered cryptically, his fingers going clammy </p><p>She nodded, her eyes down at the counter. After a few seconds of silence, she placed her hand over top of his, petite and slim. He should pull away. The affection both foreign, terrifying, and comforting. </p><p>"I understand. But I need you to understand that I too have a duty. For truth and justice. However that ends for me" she stated, squeezing his hand tightly </p><p>"You understand we can't be friends after this...There are too many things at play now. It wouldn't be safe for you" he fought the urge to squeeze her hand back, eyes burning into hers </p><p>"What about you? Won't you be lonely?" her sincere concern for his well being while hers hung in the balance moved him. </p><p>She moved her hand up his arm slowly, curiously. As if he weren't a real man. Or something she only thought existed in her mind. </p><p>"That is the life chosen for me. I'll see it through" he answered slyly, muscles tense with anticipation. </p><p>"You know what I'm offering. You understand?" she said shakily, voice wavering with concern and care</p><p>Of course he did. And he was an idiot not to take it. But he knew he couldn't. Still tied to Lily's memory. He needed to see it through. Needed to assuage his guilt and remorse. And until then, it wouldn't be fair to any other woman to be with him. Insufferable and miserly as he was. </p><p>"Yes. And I can't Charity. I can't give you what you want. I am barely able to live with myself let alone ask someone else to take on that task...This isn't about you...It's about me" he stumbled through his rejection to her and shuffled his feet awkwardly </p><p>"I see you Severus and I am proud to be your friend. Though you would never call me that. May I give you one last birthday present?" she looked up at him, smiling shyly with her cheeks blushing pink </p><p>He nodded, resisting the urge to stroke her blood flushed cheek </p><p>She wrapped her arms around his neck, resting her body against him. Squeezing tightly. He bit his lip, unfamiliarity flooding his body. He rested his chin on her head, not allowing himself to give in and touch her body. It wouldn't be fair. It would mean swift death for her and him. </p><p>She leaned up on her toes, resting her cheek against his, warm breath covering his skin and then her lips pressing deeply and surely onto his cheek for close to a minute; her fingers wrapped in his hair. </p><p>Nerves shot down to his toes, his eyes closed as to fully experience the sensation of mutual respect and adoration. </p><p>She stepped away, giving him one last solitary nod before exiting his dungeon. He should put that memory in the pensieve, but he decided he would keep it. He needed to remember that he was human.</p><p>——————</p><p>Present Day: Summer 1997</p><p>He didn't want to go to this meeting. The summer filled him with uneasy dread. The heavy wet heat of England. He couldn't sleep without seeing Albus' face falling out of the balcony. Waking up in a cold sweat, the dark realization that it could possibly be his own fate as well. If he stayed. </p><p>He would never forget the burn and tearing of his literal soul the moment that spell left his wand. It made him understand the ruthlessness of the dark lord who did this not once but seven times. And more. Not because he needed to but because he enjoyed it. </p><p>Those weeks on the brink of death in his ramshackle childhood home, no one to care if he died. They would all rejoice at his death at this point.  He wished he were dead. </p><p>The repairing of his soul hurt just as much as the breaking.  Now, he could feel. Feel all the emotions with no skills or abilities to cope. He felt as if he were continually drowning in his own thoughts and inadequacies. </p><p>As he buttoned up his sleeves, the thought became nearly intrusive: run. Harry had the whole wizarding world rallying behind him. He could leave him the plan that Albus left. He could leave the plans with Minerva, send an owl. It would be so easy: polyjuice himself as anyone he could find, keep on the run until Potter met his fate. What point did life have anymore? No one would know about the extended plan. What need would there be for vindication? Who would even search for him? </p><p>No one would ever see him as anything but a traitor. A murderer. The hazy malaise of resignation covered him. Such lofty dreams as a teenager, and look at him now. Just as detested, just as lowly. Just as disgraced. </p><p>But, he would know. In his deepest heart, he knew that he would honor the plan. Loyal to a fault. His life wasn't worth much, but Lily's was. The life he possibly shortened in his own misplaced affection and fear. </p><p>Focusing deep, he occluded his mind. Clearing out the urge to run. Settling into his character. Severus Snape: second in command to the dark lord. It was all the respect and admiration that he had once desired but with none of the glory he anticipated. A fools prize. </p><p>He was such a fool. Focus on the projection of the shame, the despair. It made Occlumency much easier.  </p><p>As he entered the Malfoy Mansion, the cool air blew against his face. Moss and stale candles. Upon entering the room, he stopped in his tracks, forcing his face to remain neutral even though his stomach nearly revolted. </p><p>Charity. </p><p>He knew they took her. She neither quit her job nor was she in hiding. He didn't know when or where they held her but after her Daily Prophet article, he knew it was inevitable. She was being tortured. </p><p>"Ah Severus. Welcome. Join us for the show tonight" the dark lord announced in his masochistic whisper </p><p>Her breathing became crackled and shallow, blood dripping from her head, her hands hanging limp from where she hung suspended </p><p>His hand itched for his wand, but it would blow his cover. Perhaps he could find a way to be the last one to torture her and help her escape. </p><p>The dark lord began to berate Charity, denouncing her views of muggle and magical equality. He couldn't bear to look, her eyes glassy and on the edge of consciousness. </p><p>"Severus...we're friends..." she managed to rasp out, staring at him upside down </p><p>He held his chin straight, he couldn't answer. Every rib threatened to jump out of his skin, the shame and helplessness fueling him in the same way it detracted from her. The dark lord stared between them, waiting for a reaction. </p><p>"Severus...please, please..." she whispered with a sob </p><p>"Avada kedavra!" the killing curse rang out hollow and cruel </p><p>Charity fell to the table with a thud. He fought the urge to express any emotion. Defectors were not to be shown any respect or even acknowledgment that they were human. To the dark lord, Charity was the equivalent of a fly on his dinner. And as much as he wanted to throw up at the desecration that was about to happen to her body, he couldn't show it. </p><p>Nagini slithered to the middle of the table, fangs opened wide in delight. An odd sense of fear shot through him, but the meeting must go on. </p><p>Later that night, he fell into the bed at a muggle hotel. The next meeting not set for another week. The same tears that he wept for Lily flowed out of him. Wretched coward. And for what purpose? Some cock-eyed, patchwork plan being explained piece by piece by a man from beyond the grave? How many more would die that he couldn't save? </p><p>How much longer would he have to pretend that his soul didn't finally understand remorse and regret? That his soul understood finally the weight of love and how it had the capacity to destroy and rebirth everything? How much longer could he physically stay alive bearing the weight of all the evil and simultaneous hope for the world? </p><p>He reached for the whiskey bottle. Tonight, he would forget.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Desertion and Death</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The castle lay silent and dark. He held his head in his hands at the desk of his former friend. He couldn't stand the weight of collective sadness and anger. The seething vitriol that the staff held towards him barely contained beneath the surface. His chest ached continually with the stress and duality of his life. He couldn't bear to look at himself in the mirror. The hate that he had once directed outward at others now turned inward at himself for getting into this predicament in the first place. </p><p>The dark lord was becoming weaker and more erratic, which was the only thing that gave him even a glimmer of hope that Harry was successful in his journey. That night in the forest filled him with fear: both at being caught and that the boy wouldn't find the sword. The Patronus continued to break his heart every time he conjured it, but it was the only thing that Harry would recognize. </p><p>Now, he could only wait. </p><p>"He's here Severus. He's made it. In the Ravenclaw tower. Can you see the rest of the plan through?" spoke up Albus' portrait, breaking him out of his melancholy </p><p>Yes. Continue to play the villain. Abandon his post in typical traitor fashion. Give the staff and students of Hogwarts someone to bond against. A common enemy to defeat so they could feel the pride of goodness and humanity before getting mercilessly slaughtered by the death eaters and the dark lord. </p><p>The meaninglessness of the whole situation weighed on his shoulders. </p><p>He made his way to the tower, ready to face off against the staff who needed to band together against him. Play into the role that he spent those decades cultivating. So good that no one doubted his treason. It wasn't something to be proud of, the ability to be mean and cruel at a moments notice. </p><p>And there wasn't much of a hope for what would happen after. Potter would have to die. He needed to find a way to leave him the memories...He deserved to see his mother and know what had been happening behind his back for all these years. Some sort of balm to dull the edge of facing his mortality and ultimate demise. </p><p>He cursed Dumbledore's patchwork plan and refusal to completely trust him with the full truth. How could the dark lord be defeated if the boy died? Perhaps Potter was the final horcrux. And if this didn't completely defeat the dark lord, then there was no doubt that he, Severus Snape would commit double murder, double treason, and kill the dark lord himself. </p><p>And if it killed him, so be it.</p><p>He heard Minerva before he saw her. He knew Harry was with her, underneath the cloak. He questioned her about patrol duty, and she responded icily, throwing out that he was a Death Eater just like the rest of them. It cut him more than he expected.  </p><p>He hated having to pretend about those morons Amycus and Alecto. Despised being grouped in with the others. Sensing retribution, he shielded himself from Minerva's attack. She sent a lasso of fire down from the torch on the wall, turning it into a snake, no doubt as an insult to him. </p><p>Flitwick's voice flew up from the hallway as Pomona and Slughorn followed behind. </p><p>"You'll do no more murder at Hogwarts!" </p><p>"Keep it together, there won't be much longer..."he tried to assure himself as he fought and battled his colleagues who truly believed he was evil. His newly formed heart threatened to break open. He couldn't take it anymore: the fighting, the deceit, the malice, the fear, the disgust. </p><p>He blasted a hole in a nearby classroom window and flew himself down to the edge of the grounds. He heard Minerva's voice ringing out from behind him</p><p>"Coward!" </p><p>And perhaps he was. But not for long.</p><p>———————</p><p>Visions of Lily fluttered through his mind. Her smile. Laughing. When they sat together reading and talking. Wishing he could have kissed her just once. But then the visions turned dark, screaming matches and bloodied fights against James and Sirius. All while she stood aside and watched. </p><p>His chest hurt, aching and raspy. He couldn't tell if this was a dream or if he was dead. He had hoped the afterlife would be much more peaceful than this. But, he surmised, an eternity tormented by his wrong choices seemed grimly appropriate. </p><p>Voices fluttered in and out of his consciousness, his last memory Harry's face before he fell asleep. Or died. Lily's eyes. What he wanted to see and pass on before the darkness took him. Harry needed to know his mother's legacy. </p><p>He couldn't fight it anymore, the thoughts stilled. <br/>—————</p><p>He awoke slowly, gaining his bearings. The bare room filtered in just enough sunlight for him to guess it was early morning. The sheer curtains blew with the slight breeze from the open window. </p><p>Trying to shift in the bed, he realized his arms and legs had been magically tied to the bed. His throat ached and burned and his body felt as if it were one thousand pounds. His head began to throb with the light. All of these symptoms were side effects of snake venom poison. </p><p>And then he remembered. </p><p>Nagini. Fangs. Blood everywhere. Potter. </p><p>What day was it? Was he alive? What happened to the dark lord? He fought to contain his thoughts to a logical stream.</p><p>A medi-witch with a kind face popped in with an armload of bandages and stopped in her tracks at seeing him awake before chirping cheerfully </p><p>"Oh! You're awake Mr. Snape! It's been almost two weeks since they brought you here. Welcome back" </p><p>Her demeanor confused him. If they knew he was a traitor, shouldn't they be treating him as such? </p><p>"Potter...Is he alive?" he managed to croak out, his throat vibrating painfully, the words raspy and strained </p><p>She smiled kindly, beginning to take off the bandages around his neck. He resisted the urge to push her away, not that he could anyway with his hands restricted. </p><p>"Yes. He defeated you-know-who. So many are dead though...Hogwarts in shambles...It's strange to have so much joy and grief all at once" she explained in a patient lull as her hands moved quickly removing the bloodied bandages </p><p>"My...neck?" he questioned, the air from the room stinging what he assumed was an open wound </p><p>"The worst we've ever seen. It's a miracle you're still alive. Your whole throat was damn near ripped out but no arteries were severed. How you survived bleeding out for almost a day until Harry found you is beyond me...You're meant to be alive for some reason" she chattered on, filling him in on the things he couldn't remember. </p><p>Harry found him? Had he gone looking for him? Possibly for his body? </p><p>"What then?" he gasped out, the stinging anti venom salve </p><p>"The three of them brought you here. Very protective of you actually. They have been taking turns guarding your door since you arrived. Would you like me to bring Harry in? He's outside currently" </p><p>He owed his life, miserable as it may be, to Potter. In debt to the boy who lived. Who brought him in out of guilt for the memories. Possibly. He didn't know what the purpose or intent was in saving him. But he needed to find out. </p><p>He nodded slowly and the medi-witch patted his arm as she tied off the bandages and left the room. </p><p>A few seconds later Harry walked in, head down and hands shoved in his pockets. Demure and understated for the one person who defeated the greatest dark wizard of all time. </p><p>"Hello sir" he spoke awkwardly, shuffling his feet beside the bed. </p><p>He didn't know what to say. Where to begin. What to ask. He stood face to face with his penance and found that part of him needed to be grateful. However that was not something that came easily. </p><p>Harry continued on choppily, looking at the floor </p><p>"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I went looking for your body after the battle to send to any family...But you were still alive when I found you. I wouldn't have left you if I thought you were alive..." </p><p> "I should have died..." he responded resignedly, the dread filling his body.</p><p>"I didn't want Dumbledore to do any of those things for me...I didn't know..." Harry muttered embarrassedly</p><p>It was over now. The two of them both played like well oiled instruments in a symphony by a master conductor. But the trouble was they had no idea what piece they were playing. He was too tired to be snarky. Too tired to continue playing the role of evil tyrant. </p><p>"You didn't ask for what you were given. You were given a death sentence and told that was hero's work" Severus gasped out, his throat aching </p><p>Harry stared at him, uncertain of what to say next. Gauging the behavior of years past with the current situation. Trying to decide if he was hearing the truth before tentatively tossing out</p><p>"So were you. You were going to die for me because you loved my mother" </p><p>Severus closed his eyes. Love. He was a fool for thinking that any part of Lily loved him. That she would have ever chosen him. He desperately wanted recognition, validation, friendship...And yes, he supposed, love. </p><p>What a wretched place to be in. Reduced to a criminal in a bed, life thrown away because he didn't know when to stop. Because he groveled at the foot of any person who showed him kindness. But he couldn't deny how much he had loved her even if she didn't reciprocate. How he didn't deserve her kindness but yet at the same time, she didn't understand him or his motives. </p><p>He realized Harry was still waiting for an answer and he knew that in spite of the part of Harry that bore James instincts, the boy still deserved an answer. Some small bit of truth that would hopefully make clear his motives. </p><p>"I did. I loved her more than I loved myself. I only wish I had made better choices and been able to show her..." his voice quivered as he laid back in the bed, the realization that he wasted his life washing over him in a cold wave </p><p>Harry's eyebrows raised, obviously caught off guard by his words. But he didn't care. He was tired of hiding. Of pretending. Of being the one to hurt others. </p><p>Just done. </p><p>"Your trial will be soon. I'll stand up for you even if you don't think it's necessary. I'm glad you're awake. Draco is coming to guard you soon. See you later sir" Harry told him a few seconds later, turning to go towards the door. </p><p>"You don't have to call me sir..." he managed to croak out, the sarcasm seeping into his words from the encounter he knew the boy would remember. </p><p>Harry chuckled, one last wave over his shoulder as he left. </p><p>Blessed unconsciousness.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Trial</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Please state your name, age, and birthday for the court please" spoke the Chief Warlock to him in front of a full jury of witches and wizards </p><p>He took a deep breath, his chest aching with the exertion it took to move from his hospital bed to the ministry. Three weeks of rest hadn't done much for him by way of healing. </p><p>He delicately tried to clear his throat </p><p>"Severus Tobias Snape. Thirty nine. January the ninth, nineteen sixty"  </p><p>The Chief peered over his glasses, asking incredulously  </p><p>"You, Master Severus are here today for the crimes of treason against the government and the murder of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. It is your statement that you were acting as a spy for Dumbledore and his murder was agreed upon beforehand. Is this true?" </p><p>This trial already was decided. Why try to fight? The looks of derision being tossed his way told him all he needed to know. In his heart he knew he was a murderer. Otherwise his soul wouldn't have shattered, leaving him gasping and wishing for death for three days. </p><p>"It was decided beforehand. Albus asked me to handle his passing he was going to die a painful death because of a curse he encountered while hunting Horcruxes to defeat the dark lord" he forced out, his normal voice choppy </p><p>"Dumbledore saved you from punishment before the first war, correct? He spoke to your moral character?" the Chief questioned with an arched brow, spectacles dangerously close to falling off his angular nose </p><p>"Yes. He gave me a second chance when no one else would" he replied with what he hoped was gratitude </p><p>"And you repay that by murdering him in front of two students?" the Chief asked with barely disguised venom in his age lined face </p><p>"It was an act of mercy. Albus was about to be tortured by Fenrir Greyback and Bellatrix Lestrange. He knew that. He made me agree to this death months prior. I didn't want to do it. Even acts of mercy are not distinguished as such in ones soul" Severus divulged, his hope for life waning </p><p>A ripple spread throughout the room as the head Warlock pondered </p><p>"So you feel guilt? A guilty conscience doesn't speak of innocence. You know what you've done was wrong. So how can we as a jury find you not guilty?" </p><p>"I feel guilty because my friend is dead and unable to see victory. I do not feel guilty that I helped him escape prolonged pain and suffering" Severus mustered, chin up, hairs on his neck raised in anger </p><p>"I do not think we need to deliberate on this" the elder Warlock cut off the whispering in the room as the door to his left swung open with a crash </p><p>"Excuse me! I was asked to be a part of the witnesses for this defendant. Instead I was not even notified the trial had started? Chief Warlock Bridges just exactly what are you doing conducting this spectacle without any of the dozen witnesses who demanded to be heard?" rang out an angry female voice, the darkness hiding her appearance until she stood in between Severus and the jury  </p><p>It was the head director of the unspeakables. The woman who he had saved. Now instead of crouching bloodied and bruised, she stood tall and defiant, cheeks blushed peach against her darkened hair. </p><p>"Head Director Lundgren, we were not aware of this wish" the Chief spoke smoothly, belying his anger at her sudden interruption</p><p>"That's a lie. I have placed a formal request that you be removed from this jury on the grounds of prejudice against the defendant. We cannot start a new government with old views" she crossed her arms in front of her chest, shoulders squared  </p><p>"What grounds of prejudice?" asked the Chief with a sneer, daring her to test him </p><p>"I have unearthed the ties between your family and the LeStranges. I left the paperwork on your desk last night. Which is why I assume you have rearranged for this sham of a trial. </p><p>You had much money to be made with the victory of the dark lord. I suppose when it didn't work out, you took a loss. Your replacement is on the way here now. I've brought security to help you out" she informed the room at large, whispers filling the air like a wind storm </p><p>Severus wondered what conspiracy had been against him that he didn't know about. Who was pulling invisible strings to make sure he never saw the light of day again? How did the head director know where to look, and why would she risk it for him? And who were the dozen witnesses for his defense? He wasn't even certain that twelve people existed who enjoyed him. </p><p>Two magical security bailiffs emerged with Kingsley Shacklebolt in tow, the various charges being read off against him as they exited him from the room. He realized how close he had come to judicial death. </p><p>"I want to inform you all that we will not be conducting any trial on prejudice and fear. Or revenge. In the Chief Warlocks absence we will be swearing in the next available appointee. We will continue the trial in an hour" Kingsley told the jurors who nodded in submission. </p><p>This was highly unprecedented but still within the laws. He sat alone in a cell waiting, cold and shivering. A possible view into his new life. The hour passed by at a snails pace while the jurors were questioned and some replaced. A Chief Witch instituted at lightning speed. A new administration indeed. </p><p>"Head Director Lundgren why don't you begin telling the jurors why you asked to be a witness for the defense" the Chief Witch proceeded, giving the floor to her as they all settled </p><p>She cleared her throat, taking the stand beside Severus </p><p>"I was taken hostage by death eaters for my work in the Unspeakables office. I was asked to partake in crimes against humanity and I refused. I was tortured daily for six months. I could go into detail but it would make your stomachs turn. I was taken to Malfoy Manor as a last resort. The dark lords closest confidantes took turns performing various torture spells. The defendant, Severus Snape was sent in to kill me. </p><p>He asked my name. He laid down his own wand. He allowed me to escape. He used his own power and skill to trick the dark lord into believing he had murdered me. I was able to apparate safely to a hospital and be kept safe until the defeat of the dark lord. Severus never once attempted to hurt me. I don't know his motivations but I can assure you, when given the choice to freely murder, he did not." </p><p>"Head Director Lundgren, you suffered much at the hands of evil, what is your purpose in defending Master Snape, who also partook in this evil?" asked one of the jurors curiously </p><p>"He may have been working both sides, but I know evil when I see it. He is not evil. He had ample time and motive to kill me. But he didn't. He went against orders. If the dark lord found out, I know he would have been killed" she replied surely, making eye contact with him for the first time. </p><p>His mouth dried out, nerves racing from his toes to his cheeks. She was right. </p><p>"Are you arguing that him saving your soul negates him killing Dumbledore?" asked another juror, hand raised </p><p>"No. I will go on record saying I do not believe mercy killing is wrong. It is just to end someone's suffering when agreed upon. Especially to be preemptive in the face of certain violence. We have no such laws yet, perhaps this will set precedent" she explained, leaning forward in her seat, determined expression set </p><p>Skitters broke out across the room but she remained unmoved. Why was this woman putting herself at risk for him? Putting her job on the line? Her reputation? </p><p>"Head Director, would you be willing to share your memory of that day with us?" the Witch asked gently, the room leaning forward in anticipation </p><p>She nodded her acceptance as the Chief walked to her, wand at her temple, the memory filling up the space, larger than life. His stomach tumbled and he fought back vomit as he saw the dark lord, Nagini slithering on the floor, head deputy thrown down and abused. The crowd glanced away as her body bent in grotesque and unnatural ways, never once screaming. The sight of blood made his heart race, gripping the handle of the witness stand to ground himself. </p><p>Then he watched as he entered the room. His wand down on the table. Turning as she fled. The memory ended. </p><p>"This shows his character in one circumstance. We are here for his misdoings as a Hogwarts professor over the course of twenty years. And who will account for that?" asked the head juror, her arms crossed </p><p>"There is a long line of witnesses willing to share memories in his defense. Shall we bring them in?" the Chief Witch informed her, motioning for the head director to step down.</p><p>He shifted in his seat, hands going cold as Harry, Hermione, Ron, Luna, Neville, Minerva, Hagrid, George, Arthur, Molly, Flitwick, and Pomona walked in front of the jurors. </p><p>"Please state for the record that you are here of your own free will and that no one has coerced any bit of your testimony said here today" she spoke with authority, everyone verbally agreeing. </p><p>A strange sensation rose up in his gut. Remorse. Guilt. Fear. Embarrassment. And perhaps a small glimmer of hope. The word of the Chosen One held weight. The opinions of the Golden Trio were as respected as a sacred text. He grimaced at the power that three young adults wielded, but in this moment he decided he would be glad they were on his side when they very well could be against him. </p><p>They had every right to turn against him. Perhaps they were better people than he. </p><p>Harry stood up, glancing around at everyone, and in a voice full of new found valor began to address the jurors </p><p>"I hated Professor Snape. I never listened to him. From the first class I had with him. He was mean, and exacting. But, he taught me everything I needed to know to keep myself safe. He protected me. In my first year, he kept me from falling off a hexed broom. He taught me defensive spells. He tried to teach me Occlumency against the dark arts. He brought me the sword of Gryffindor in the middle of the Forest of Dean while still in supposed service to the dark lord...Only a truly heroic person acting in complete good could ever have found the sword. He did everything because of love and respect" </p><p>"How do you know this Harry? How can you ascertain his motives?" the head juror pushed, whether to get more information or to be spiteful had yet to be seen </p><p>"When Professor Snape got attacked by Nagini, Voldemort's snake, I was there. I thought him to be dead. He gave me all his memories in a vial for the pensieve. They tell the truth" Harry informed them, glancing nervously at him </p><p>That information was private. Only meant to be between Harry and himself. Which is why he hadn't brought it up. Yes it was stupid to hide, but the vulnerability was almost too much to bear. He couldn't handle a room full of strangers seeing his most personal moments. Anger tore through his gut at someone again making a decision about his life without his consent. </p><p>"Severus, why didn't you tell the court you had evidence of your innocence? Have you brought them Harry?" the Chief wondered in disbelief, hands out in exasperation </p><p>"Those moments are private. I would rather rot in a cell than for a room of strangers to see them!" he exclaimed, knowing that pride was going to ruin his life once more </p><p>"I'm sorry Professor. You saved me so many times and now it's my turn to save you. You gifted them to me and I get to decide how I use them" Harry told him softly, face pale at the open defiance and boundary crossing that he was committing </p><p>Helplessness crashed over him. Freedom but at what expense. Evidence of his cowardice and deceit. Years full of him risking his life as penance for his ego and pain. </p><p>The Witch summoned the vial from Harry's hand, conjuring a spell that displayed the memories across the room just like with the Director . </p><p>He lowered his head in shame as the jurors watched, enraptured, the story of the man with two masters. He couldn't make eye contact. Normal people would be vindicated but he only felt shame. Shame that it took nearly forty years for him to understand what it felt like to be free of hatred and anger. Mourning his wasted life. </p><p>"I would like to ask the jurors if there is any need to continue on with the other witnesses? Or should we come to a verdict now?" the Chief  asked gently, several of the jurors wiping their eyes. </p><p>After some quick discussion amongst the group, the head juror stood up and began to ramble off a list of specifications for his freedom from a scroll </p><p>"We find you not guilty of the murder of Albus Dumbledore. We also find you not guilty of treason or crimes against the wizarding community. However, there are no laws in our world for supposed mercy killing. We have to set rules for such behavior. We must ask that for the next twelve months, you, Master Severus Snape, live in a small allotment, at a location of the ministry's choosing, agree to have your wand checked monthly for any dark curses, agree to staying within a twenty mile radius of your home and allow a trace tracker to be placed on you, volunteer your time as Potions Master for St. Mungos for ten hours a week, and find reputable work. After twelve months, if you have successfully completed these requirements, your record will be clear. Do you agree to these terms?" </p><p>No privacy. His whereabouts fully known. His life not completely his own. Again. But. He could scrape by for one more year. It would be a small price to pay and at the end he could disappear. Never to be found or tortured again. </p><p>"I agree" he replied, his throat beginning to ache and bleed from over use</p><p>One year. Then he would be free.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Neighbors</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>September sat hazy and warm, the last of summer blazing. The small home that the Ministry provided him to live out his year of parole had began to feel safe. Almost a month. Not speaking to another soul. </p><p>Brewing potions for the Hogwarts infirmary as well as the daily inventory for Alexander Finnegan's potion shoppe in Diagon Alley. A rotating schedule of various treatments. Occasionally a rare brew from a discerning customer. </p><p>Life uncomplicated. But not so. The newspapers flocked to him. Even in his undisclosed location. Dozens of owls a day dropping letters, begging to hear his side of the story. But he wanted nothing to do with it. Every single inquiry burned. The vindication he felt from his victory short lived as now he had to somehow prove he was worthy of that choice. </p><p>How could he prove it to anyone else when he didn't even believe it himself?  </p><p>Minerva stopped in occasionally, mostly checking to see if he still alive. She felt guilty for not believing him. He told her there was no need, that it meant he played his part well. But she was a fair and loyal woman. A promise for once weekly dinner meant just that. Perhaps that wasn't the worst thing that could happen. </p><p>He sighed as he pulled his hair back, getting ready to go outside and harvest from his garden. His bedroom small, tidy, and full of light; so unlike the dungeon. He found that he quite liked the morning sun waking him in the morning. </p><p>The everyday routine settled his anxiety, keeping the ever present fear and hyper vigilance at bay. The tile floor silenced his steps as he walked to the kitchen and made tea and toast. Decor done in greens, whites, and browns. Home for now. </p><p>He happily sunk into the ground, moving aside the worms who wriggled to the surface at the disruption. The cool dirt soothing on his fingertips as he dug. The mid morning sun just beginning to gather heat on his back. </p><p>"Are you harvesting lavender and echinacea?" asked a curious tiny voice, causing him to snap his head up in surprise</p><p>A boy about five or six stood staring at the vast array of plants growing out of the ground, his cinnamon colored curly hair spilling every which way over the same cinnamon colored eyes</p><p>"That is correct" he answered simply, not wanting to show his shock at another human, especially a child </p><p>"You also have dandelion, ginger, feverfew, and valerian...My mom uses lavender to put under our pillows at night. Do you make remedies?" the child rambled off impressively, standing on his tip toes to see into the garden over Severus' small fence . </p><p>Severus sat back, not wanting to particularly engage with a small child but simultaneously intrigued by his vast knowledge. </p><p>"Yes, I do" </p><p>The boy nodded, taking a moment to survey the large plot of plants before introducing himself</p><p> "I'm Solomon. Who are you?" </p><p>Severus tilted his head at Solomon before chastising him</p><p>"I'm Severus. You shouldn't introduce yourself to a complete stranger, it's not safe" </p><p>The boy shrugged his shoulders, his blue shirt shifting up his arms</p><p>"Severus from the Latin: severe. I didn't give you my whole name. And it's only dangerous if you're a stranger. I've seen you every day since we moved in a month ago. You feed your birds at seven am, then fix your garden until nine. Then you go inside. You come outside sometimes after lunch and read. Then you go for a walk. Then back inside. Everyday. You have bat houses in all of your trees. You have an owl post on your front porch. See, you're not a stranger" </p><p>Severus furrowed his brow. What type of child was this? He had never seen his face in the next door neighbors window. He hadn't even been aware that anyone lived there. The house sat dark and silent. Perhaps he needed to be more vigilant to his surroundings. That level of attention to detail in a child was profound. </p><p>"It isn't polite to be so nosy" he admonished Solomon curtly, still shaken. </p><p>Tiny shoulders shrugged again, replying nonchalantly </p><p>"I wasn't being nosy. I just pay attention" </p><p>"Where are your parents?" Severus asked, annoyed that a small child had left him flabbergasted. </p><p>He pointed at the house and explained simply </p><p> "My mom is at home. She let me go outside today. She said it would be okay. I've read all my books and I'm bored" </p><p>Severus resisted a smile. The gesture foreign to his facial muscles. He had said the same thing to his mother as a child. He grasped subjects quickly and flew through written work and books, constantly craving more. </p><p>A slightly harried voice rang out from the back door across the yard </p><p>"Solomon! Where are you?!" </p><p>Severus looked up to find the Head Director frantically running out the door looking for her son. His mind flipped back to her memories, and the child in them became the child in front of him. </p><p>"I'm talking to Severus. He has so many plants!" Solomon called out, waving at his mother </p><p>She ran over, pulling her son close, raising an eyebrow at him </p><p>"I told you to stay in the yard. And you know not to talk to strangers" </p><p>Solomon shrugged in the same manner </p><p>"He's not really a stranger. You know him. You said you did" </p><p>She sighed, rubbing her temple before explaining to Severus grumpily </p><p>"I'm sorry if he bothered you. The Ministry put us here because I received several death threats about my testimony and tossing the corrupt Head Wizard. I'm on official reprieve from my job for a year...Hogwash"</p><p>They placed them in the same spot? Why would they do that? Wouldn't that make it easier for someone to find them if they were in the same location? He remembered she was still standing there waiting for his response</p><p>"I probably should know your name. Since you both know so much about me" he replied with slight snark </p><p>She took a breath before answering </p><p>"Aysel Lundgren. This is Solomon, as you've found out. He is six. And he's going to go home now and feed the cat" </p><p>Solomon accepted but not before shouting as he ran </p><p>"I know you're going to talk about me!" </p><p>She laughed, leaning against Severus' fence post</p><p>"Solomon is very smart. He notices everything. I can keep him away if you want; I gather you don't like children much" </p><p>He frowned, annoyed that she jumped to such conclusions</p><p>"You don't know me or what I have tolerance for. Only what I've shown the world as a spy" </p><p>She crossed her arms, eyebrows coming together </p><p>"Oh I'm sorry the testimonies of hundreds of students describing you as insufferable and hateful must be a lie" </p><p>He expected to feel anger, but instead he just felt defeated. His whole legacy in shreds because of stupid mistakes. Just get through this year. </p><p>"My whole life was a lie. You don't know me and I don't know you. We're even. We don't have to pretend there's anything more here. I don't mind a curious child. Learning is a great privilege. He can ask whatever he wants..." he defended himself before adding resentfully </p><p>"I'm not a bad man. I was chosen to portray one for the greater good" </p><p>Her face changed from anger to stricken guilt. Fighting the inner victory, he kept his face neutral as she gathered herself</p><p>"Okay. Be honest with him, he doesn't read unspoken social rules well. Somehow I don't think you'll have an issue with that" she warned him, turning to leave, her shoulders slumped at their failed interaction. </p><p>It was easier to pretend to hate than it was to be uncertain of life. To feign anger than to confront grief. But he couldn't continue on this way. </p><p>Small steps.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Defense</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Severus kneeled on his knees, the dirt comforting his body as he pruned weeds away from the foliage. September's end blazed hot in the mornings and cool in the night, just the way he preferred. </p><p>Over the last week, Solomon poked his nose around every morning, asking rapid fire questions about plants, potions making, and magic. Aysel watched from her window, tapping on it to call him home when she felt he had overstayed his welcome. But Severus never felt an imposition. If every child wanted to learn like Solomon, the world would be a better place. </p><p>He didn't quite know what to make of the child. Who would want to spend their free time around another adult who wasn't fun or silly by any means? He also didn't want to be seen as a strange man who took an avid interest in spending time with a child who wasn't related to him...</p><p>Brushing the dirt from his hands, he heard some yelling from down the street. Looking up, he saw several older children surround Solomon, who he hadn't even noticed was outside. They instantly grabbed whatever toy he had been playing with and flipped him upside down. </p><p>His mind instantly turned to his youth and without a thought he strode quickly over to them, his mere height stopping the behavior at once. Solomon fell to the ground with tears rolling down his cheeks. </p><p>"Tell me, what do you think you are doing?" Severus asked them coldly, blocking Solomon from view</p><p>They didn't answer, but their eyes told him that they knew they had committed an offense. Children who were bored and had egos to fulfill would be the ones to grow into adults who thought the law didn't apply to them.  He held out his hand for the toy, a Muggle style airplane. The leader, a boy with a blonde crew cut refused to look him in the eye.  </p><p>"I don't want to see any of you bothering this child again. It's a shame you have chosen the path to becoming a villain instead of becoming leaders. If I see this happen again, I will be finding each of your parents and informing them of what you've done. Am I understood?" Severus demanded, his voice low and intimidating. </p><p>They nodded, scampering away to avoid further scolding.  He turned and motioned for Solomon to follow him, walking together towards Aysel's home. </p><p>"Do they bother you a lot?" he asked as they sat down on the porch step</p><p>Solomon held his airplane, the tears still silently falling from his eyes. Severus knew the feeling: shame and embarrassment. Wondering why anyone would choose to bother him. What had he done wrong to gain that kind of attention. Instead of asking more questions, he pulled out his wand and cleaned up the dirt from the boy's face and arms.  He didn't know where the line was in this situation. </p><p>"I don't do anything to them. I wish I wasn't smart and then I would have friends. I would be able to play with the other kids" Solomon spoke up sadly a few minutes later, angrily wiping away tears </p><p>"Why would you ever wish away your greatest gift?" Severus asked him in what he hoped was an appropriate tone </p><p>"I don't have any friends. I'm weird. No one likes me" Solomon explained, in a voice much too sad and weary for a six year old </p><p>Fighting to keep his own memories from leaking out, Severus decided to tell him what he wished someone had told him when he had uttered those exact same words.  </p><p>"Your intelligence is a gift. You see the world in a way those children wont. Yes you may be alone. But if you hate yourself, you will always be lonely. Don't give them the victory of making you hate yourself. Do you understand?" </p><p>Solomon looked up at him, and it was only then that Severus noticed he had a split lip. He held up his wand and healed the wound quickly.  </p><p>"Being smart isn't fun. Why can't I hate it?" he asked in a defiant voice, one that masked fear </p><p>"You can hate it. But then you would be lying. Lying about who you are. I think I would rather be boring and honest than a fun liar, wouldn't you?" retorted Severus, applying logic to the emotion fueled argument </p><p>Severus knew about lying. How it drained the soul. Constantly rethinking what to say and how to act to make all the stories line up. To always have to be on guard and never be truthful, not even to oneself. At some point the lies become internalized and accepted as truth. </p><p>"Do you ever lie?" Solomon asked curiously, brown eyes still watery and sad </p><p>Taking a deep breath and heeding his own advice, Severus answered </p><p>"Yes. Most of my life I lied. And it became very hard to remember the truth. I didn't like it at all. But now, I'm allowed to tell the truth. And that's what I want to do, no matter what. The truth is always better than a lie Solomon, even if we don't like what happens because of it" </p><p>Solomon nodded, appearing to take his words to heart. It was a hefty life lesson for a child to learn but if he was old enough to ask the question, he was old enough to work through the answer.  </p><p>"I think you should go inside now, it's getting close to dinner. You are welcome to come to the garden tomorrow" Severus told him, standing up and waving goodbye </p><p>——————<br/>Later that night, Severus sat on his porch, looking up at the stars. The clear night air cool around his shoulders. He took a moment to enjoy the caress of his hair against his skin, the freedom to sit without worry of what was about to happen. What could come if he let his guard down. Here, in this home, for the moment, he was safe. And he couldn't hold back the emotions of twenty years of hiding. </p><p>Who was he now? What direction should his life take? What did honesty look like for him? A pang of loneliness shot through his chest. It wasn't abnormal, the ache well placed and at home in his body. </p><p>"Hey...Can I sit? I have dessert" asked a voice, breaking through his thought process. </p><p>Aysel.  He hadn't even heard her walk over. That would never have happened before. She wore her pajamas, black shorts and a cotton top, two plates of pie in her hands. He nodded, accepting the plate from her as she sat beside him in a chair she transfigured from a twig. </p><p>"Solomon told me what happened today" she began, taking a bite of her dessert </p><p>Her voice didn't sound angry, neutral in it's delivery. He realized she wanted him to tell her his version of the story. </p><p>"I saw some children picking on him. I walked over and told them to leave. He was upset, and I tried to help. I got bullied in the same way...I apologize if I overstepped my boundaries" he told her, picking at the blueberry pie </p><p>"You didn't do anything wrong. Solomon told me he was proud to be smart. Which he has never said before. It's always been a hindrance to him. In his mind. He is such a kind boy, and I don't want him to turn angry..." she trailed off, taking a deep breath at the pressure held within her shoulder blades </p><p>Angry, like him. She didn't say that. But he thought it. Heard the unspoken words and fear in her voice. </p><p>"I was angry. But many things have to happen wrong for someone to turn out the way I did. You care about your son. You protect him" Severus told her, hoping to keep back any bitterness from his voice </p><p>His mother did nothing to protect him. Believing a home was more security than being homeless and safe from abuse. He would have rather lived in a shack with his mother than in that house with his father. His own body wasn't a safe place and he didn't know how to come back from that. </p><p>"I didn't mean he would turn out like...you had to. I wanted to thank you for talking to him. You didn't have to do that" she backtracked, her demeanor completely unlike any other time he had spoken to her. </p><p>Uncertain and nervous. </p><p>"You don't have to thank me for that" Severus answered gruffly, emotion a new territory to navigate </p><p>"We're going to live beside each other for the next year.  Although the world says it applauds us, we know that so many are still against us.  I think we should make the best of this. Why don't you come over for lunch tomorrow? This isn't pity. It's an olive branch. For both of us to learn how to be people again" she offered, biting her cheek in nervousness</p><p>"Yes. I'll be there" he answered shortly, handing her the empty plate as she gave him a small smile, shuffling awkwardly off his porch into the night. </p><p>A chance to become a person again.  A new man. </p><p>If not now, when?</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Old Friends, New Life</h2></a>
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    <p>1978</p><p>A loud knock shifted his attention from the book on the table. It was late, nearly midnight. Gripping his wand, he crept to the door, easing it open only to breathe in a sigh of relief. </p><p>Narcissa. </p><p>He held the door open for her, helping slide the cloak off her petite shoulders, long shimmers of blonde hair slipping past his fingers. Her perfume filled the room: expensive and deep, honey and spice. Turning to face him, her eyes bloodshot and puffy. </p><p>Another fight with Lucius. </p><p>Motioning toward the sofa, they sat together as was their custom many times before. He had no time for the tomfoolery that the others indulged in, and spent many of his nights with Narcissa while Lucius and Bellatrix hunted muggles for sport. Narcissa shared a brilliant mind, a keen awareness of people and the hierarchy within society, and her ease at which she floated through it. </p><p>He enjoyed spending time with her. Although Lucius was her fiancé, he acted more like she was a trophy he had acquired rather than an asset. Lucius was a weak willed man who couldn't see what he had lucked into. </p><p>"Have you fought again?" Severus asked matter of factly, cleansing her face and offering her a glass of wine </p><p>She looked down at her lap, hands knotted before accepting the glass </p><p>"Sometimes I wonder why I do this. Bella says that it is a smart move to marry him. We used to be so in love. That has to be there still..." </p><p>He bit his lip at her shaky voice, questioning her life. When they first met she had been headstrong and bold, a take no prisoner approach. But in the years since, with Lucius moving up the ranks, she shrunk back more and more. Allowing herself to become small and to question her true instincts. </p><p>Truthfully, Lucius had always seen her as a conquest. Not unlike Potter with Lily. Smartest girl in Slytherin with a distinct high ranking family. Who wouldn't try to go after that? To her family, the marriage a tidy business transaction. </p><p>"This isn't the first time you've said this Narcissa. I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do. But I sense a pattern" he answered carefully </p><p>"I know. But am I too far in now to go back?  The wedding is already in planning. Would I be a disappointment?" she asked with a quiver, deep brown eyes watering, spilling down her porcelain cheeks </p><p>"There is always time to change your life. What is more of a disappointment: breaking your families expectations, or spending your life in regret?" he proposed, knowing all too well the pain of regret </p><p>Lily and Potter just had a child. The anger and resentment brewed in his gut but he had to move on. She didn't want him and that had to be okay. He wasn't good enough for her. He respected her enough to leave. </p><p>"What would you do?" Narcissa asked, resting her leg against his, slim hand on his knee </p><p>"I'm not the one to ask about regrets and making good choices Cissa..." he lamented ruefully, awkwardly brushing a tear away from her eye </p><p>She was his friend. Although no one would believe he was capable of having friends. No one believed him to be the friend type. No one knew. No one cared enough. Narcissa was one of the few who dared pull back his rough exterior and appeal to his intellect. </p><p>"You know she didn't deserve you. She never understood your drive or your ambition. You would have made a better husband than Potter any day of the week. You're a better man than any of the ones we're around. That's why I trust you. I trust your opinions. I trust our friendship Severus. What would you do?" Narcissa sat the still full glass down, held his hands in hers, his heart began to race. </p><p>The depth of the situation crashed upon him. He had two paths. He could take a risk and fail. Or he could play neutral. </p><p>"I can't tell you what to do. You need to choose. For yourself. No one else. Not me. Not Bella. Not even Lucius. For you. You're the brightest witch I know. You're...beautiful. And brave. And loyal. If someone doesn't see that, it is their fault entirely" he told her tactfully, the compliments strange on his tongue, stepping out onto the branch of vulnerability </p><p>"You wouldn't do that to me. Or to anyone else...You're the most brilliant man I've ever met..." she murmured, her voice switching from sad to...intrigued? </p><p>Her cheeks pinked up, their fingers laced. He could kiss her. Enjoy her affections. She wouldn't regret it. And neither would he. He could show her what he was capable of. </p><p>As he was thinking, she took her hand back, placing it on his neck, twisting a lock of hair around her finger, leaning in, her lips softly resting against his in expectation. His resolve waned at her delicate insistence, her breath tickling his upper lip. He allowed his fingertips to gently graze her thigh, the soft velvet of her dress comforting. </p><p>"Please Severus...just this once" she whispered in his ear, setting every nerve in his body on fire </p><p>"Are you going to go back to him?" he asked, already knowing the answer, not certain that he cared </p><p>"My choices have been made. Do you wish I was her?" Narcissa asked timidly, her lips swollen </p><p>Dark beauty. Cutting and swift. Regal and cool. In most ways his counterpart. Absolutely in no way could he ever confuse her with Lily. </p><p>"No. I appreciate you for exactly who you are. I won't regret this, if we decide for one night to ignore our...loyalties. Will you?" he countered, his curious fingertips sliding up her rib cage to her bodice </p><p>"I have many regrets. You won't be one of them" she declared, welcoming his wandering hands, sighing in what he could only guess was pleasure as he untied the straps and traced her chest</p><p>The burn of hidden and reserved lust sprung up from his gut as he captured her lips, the weight of her pressing him into the sofa, learning each other's bodies, grateful for affection with no strings. </p><p>Just one night. </p><p>————————<br/>"Please Severus..." Narcissa sobbed at his feet, clutching at his robes </p><p>Bellatrix watched the scene unfold, shrewd and calculating eyes watching his reaction. His heart thudded as he fought to remain passive. He couldn't let his friend suffer. He couldn't save so many others. Narcissa was loyal to none except her son. He couldn't let another mother lose a son, another son lose his mother. He knew what happened when magic got in between a mother's love for her child. </p><p>He could do the right thing. </p><p>"Take out your wand" he spoke as if he was bored, but he knew this had to be a part of the plan. </p><p>He gripped Narcissa's arm, eyes burrowing into hers, all the old desires bubbling up, the intensity between the two of them. Bellatrix would never notice, she had no idea what it meant to have true loyalty to someone who had flesh and blood feelings. </p><p>After the vow, Wormtail showed Bellatrix out first, and Narcissa stayed behind. </p><p>"How can I thank you?" she traced his cheek, the gesture foreign, her eyes soft and hopeful </p><p>He hadn't been perfect. He had allowed several nights of secret love to pass between them over the years. Both lost and alone. No one else to to turn to. Passionate and sometimes rough; funneling into each fiber what they wished their lives had given them. But still. Mistakes. </p><p>He couldn't accept it. He had to isolate to see the plan through. He had to cut the tie. </p><p>"Be careful. I can't do this anymore Narcissa. I'll keep Draco safe for you. But that's all I can do" he stood up straight, hardening his features to her, motioning for the door </p><p>She straightened up, nodding at him, understanding all that he didn't say as she breezed past him to join her sister. <br/>—————</p><p>Present Day </p><p>He sat at his table, reading a book as the rain poured outside. He couldn't spend his morning in the garden, the mud would wash away any progress. </p><p>The paper blared out the headline </p><p>"Lucius Malfoy charged with war crime!" </p><p>The article detailed his numerous rapes and torture of magical and muggle alike; the lynch pin being the kidnap and torture of Aysel. The details stirring up anxiety within his gut, he remembered that day. He also remembered that Aysel made no sound and gave no one the satisfaction of knowing they hurt her. </p><p>He rubbed his forehead, the memories only kept at bay because of dreamless sleep potion. He would have to deal with them eventually. But now they seemed to be a mountain he couldn't climb, an impassible raging river. He needed a bridge. </p><p>He read through a letter by Minerva, her concise and neat handwriting a small comfort. Perhaps she could help him in some way. Maybe he was grasping at straws. </p><p>A familiar cadenced knock at the door broke him out of his thoughts. Thoughts racing, he didn't know how anyone could have gotten his location. It was classified by the ministry and only given to Minerva as his emergency contact.</p><p>In the grey of the morning stood Narcissa, face more weary, shoulders back, with a small smile upturning her blood red lips. In an unprecedented move, she pulled him into her, tightly squeezing. No decorum. The affection foreign and slightly alarming, he carefully placed his hands on her hips until she let go. The first time he had seen her since the Vow had been made. </p><p>He let her pass throughout, her perfume wrapping him in a sense of nostalgia. </p><p>"How did you know where to find me?" he finally asked, sitting beside her on his sofa which  she had already eased herself onto.</p><p>"You know better than to ask for my ways" she teased, more than a bit of darkness behind her words </p><p>Narcissa was a holder of secrets and she knew when to play her cards. </p><p>"I couldn't believe it when they said you were really alive. I saw the trial in the papers but...I knew I needed to see you. It just...took a while to make it here" she continued on, stricken expression across her sharp features </p><p>"I am here...Not much to see. I saw the paper" he nodded towards his table, suspecting that was the reason she found him </p><p>She sighed, hands in her lap, veins more prominent and some age spots dotting her skin. </p><p>"What an awful time. He's in Azkaban for the rest of his life. Not that he was even living much of a life. He hadn't spoken a word to me in months" she explained, holding back from him </p><p>They had kept up letters in his last year at Hogwarts as headmaster, short and concise. But still a reminder that he was human. </p><p>"How is Draco?" he asked, pivoting the conversation</p><p>She smiled, looking him in the eye </p><p>"He is doing much better. He took an apprenticeship under Gulliver Featherweight, he hopes to become a master of potions. You influenced him quite a bit" </p><p>"I was under the impression that he hated me. It doesn't seem possible to move on from everything that happened. But he is young, he deserves to have a life" he told her, trying his best to smile </p><p>"He doesn't hate you. He doesn't know how to come to terms with it. Neither of us do. You deserve a life too. You sacrificed everything" she explained, the old protectiveness returning to her voice </p><p>"I'm not sure there is much left to salvage of me" he sighed, the old feelings of security prickling at his chest </p><p>"That's not true. We're all broken now. Fixing whatever is left" she offered, her hand familiar on his knee</p><p>"Narcissa..." he warned, knowing he couldn't give in, he wouldn't exploit her weakness, no matter how lonely he felt, the ache overwhelming  </p><p>"My life is ruined. And maybe it should be. I stood by while my husband tortured people. I allowed my son to be used as bait. I wasn't strong enough to say no. I allowed this to happen and now my life is crashing around me" her voice turned hard, anger at her choices evident </p><p>"You had no good choices. If you had turned against Lucius, the dark lord would have killed you. He would have found you had you run away. You chose the path you had to" he told her, meaning every word</p><p>"If I had made different choices in the beginning, I wouldn't be here. I wasn't brave then either. I never cared about Pureblood heritage. But I never stood against it either. I am complicit in murder" she processed the lies she had been force fed her whole life, the truth harsh and unforgiving </p><p>"I could say the same thing. I worked for two men and allowed many injustices under the guise of neutrality. We can only own up to those things" he focused on her hair, blonde hair even lighter now that it was streaked with white </p><p>"I don't know how to do anything now. No one will see me. They will just see Lucius. Bella. I'm not even a death eater but I allowed myself to be identified with them. How can I move on when my past dictates my future?" she asked, the realization that she was also speaking about his life dawning </p><p>"That is why I'm here. For a year. Hidden away while the world forgets my sins. Hoping for me to be made into a respectable citizen. Trying to spin my atrocities into feel good fodder..." he spit out angrily, allowing her to hold his hands. </p><p>"We're alone now Severus. We could start over..." she murmured, voice trembling, bringing his knuckles to her lips  </p><p>His heart continued to ache. As much as she wanted that in the moment, it wouldn't work. They would both be striving to make a life out of regrets. And when one would fail, it would topple the structure of their relationship. And neither one of them would be able to move on in a relationship with the other. There was simply too much history for a fresh start. </p><p>"Cissa...You can do anything you set your mind to. You survived. This is a new life and neither one of us can begin again with old feelings and ideas that were born out of another time" he faltered to explain, stopping his words </p><p>"Is it me?" she asked softly, looking into her lap </p><p>"No. You are one of the few people to give me a chance. Your letters reminded me that life was going to come again. You and I both need to have a fresh start. On our own. We can't fall back into old comforts. They don't help us..." he tried to persuade her, knowing it rang hollow </p><p>"It could have been so different" she began, still holding his hands </p><p>"And the ending would have been different too. Possibly better. Possibly worse. But we can't torture ourselves with a what if. Because we can't know. Trust me, I've been living twenty years in what if's..." he sighed, familiar guilt in his shoulders </p><p>"I'm not here to seek your pity. I'm not helpless. I just need you to know that I'm glad you're alive. I wish I could thank you for everything but it wouldn't be adequate" she leaned towards him, resting her head against his shoulder. </p><p>He would never let anyone else get that close to him. He didn't want her to rely on him. He wasn't trustworthy. She needed to rely on herself. </p><p>"You were never helpless. I would never pity you. You deserve a life you can be proud of now. Anything you want. It's a new world" he tried to be optimistic, even though he wasn't certain he believed what he was saying </p><p>"You don't have to lie to me. Life may not get better but at least we are free now" she surmised, letting go of his hands </p><p>"Will you stay in touch with me?" he asked, allowing vulnerability to come through </p><p>"Of course" she took a deep breath, as if breathing in a new vision for the future in that second </p><p>He motioned for her to follow him to the porch, where he cut the last of the late blooming roses and handed them to her. She smiled fully, opening her arms for a hug. He allowed himself to step into it, touching the tip of his broad nose to her delicate one, arms wrapped around her slim frame, resting against each other with so many words unspoken as the rain fell, finally placing a long kiss on her cheek. </p><p>She looked around, hiding behind his frame and disapparated. </p><p>The morning had slipped away and it was time for his lunch with Aysel and Solomon. He had enjoyed feigning normalcy when they chatted and discussed the topics that he had always wanted to be involved in. He grabbed a vial full of a super high bouncing putty he had concocted for Solomon and headed across the yard. </p><p>Aysel stormed out of her house, hands on her hips, seething</p><p>"I saw Narcissa Malfoy leave your house. Just now. I saw you kiss her. Her husband tortured me" </p><p>He rubbed his temple, angry at himself for not being more discreet. Of course Aysel would have a problem with Narcissa. She had no idea the inner workings of death eaters dealings, no matter how much intel she collected. </p><p>"Narcissa is an old friend. She was never a death eater" he told her, knowing it would make no difference </p><p>"She knew what he did. And she never stopped it. She was just as guilty as he was" Aysel crossed her arms across her chest defiantly </p><p>"If you believe that then you have to believe the same about me. I knew it was happening and I couldn't say no" he heard the defense rising in his voice and fought to reign it in </p><p>"There's always the choice to say no. It's black and white. You either let things happen or you don't. You die with honor or you don't" she resisted stubbornly </p><p>His anger flared. There was no such thing as honor in war or any sort of honor in death.</p><p>"Then you must not think me honorable. You can't live life with black and white thinking. Sometimes morality is grey. And if you never had to live through that then you are very privileged indeed" he shot back, livid at her ignorance </p><p>"You made the right choice. You were going to take it to the grave what you did" she argued back, arms still crossed</p><p>"There is no perfect victim. I watched a friend die and didn't save her. Would it have been more honorable to you if I saved her and sabotaged the whole of the magical world for that one moment? Tell me how you would have made that choice" he demanded, adrenaline rushing </p><p>"Narcissa knew what was happening. She allowed her son to be used. Pimped and profited from. I would have rather died than let my son go through that" Aysel spit out in disgust </p><p>"I'm glad to know that the choice to leave your child comes so easily to you. Does he know how quickly he would be fed to the wolves in the name of your supposed honor code?" he allowed the insult to leave his lips as the shock showed on her face </p><p>"He would have known that his mother died for something good. And that he could live his life knowing that truth and choice really is easy" she stomped her foot in frustration </p><p>"I'm glad you have that naive privilege. And now I know what you truly think of me. So much for these pleasantries. Here..." he shoved the vial into her hand </p><p>"What's this?" she asked, turning it over </p><p>"Solomon asked me if I could make him a continuous bouncing putty. So I did" he answered curtly, turning his back to her. </p><p>He didn't need to hear her words or see her face. He knew what she thought of him now. </p><p>Freedom indeed.</p>
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